2008.04.03
Being an Asian Outcast
When it comes to non-Asians they can almost always instantly tell that I'm of Asian descent. But for Asian people? It depends really. Often times when a non-Asian person meets me they think they've met their gateway to everything Asian. Like I'll be able to tell them of my foreign country, the foreign foods I eat, the foreign language I grew up speaking (and hopefully I'll be able to teach them so they can hook up with other girls of my race after they're done with me), and much more. What isn't seen by the eye is that I actually grew up eating hamburgers and French fries, celebrate July 4th, celebrate Thanksgiving, spoke English at home all my life, and most of all always got ridiculed for being a white girl by the majority of my Asian peers.
If you'll notice one thing is that I never straight out mention my ethnicity. Sure you'll get some clues but I'll never straight out say it. Why? Well for one thing I don't like the attention being Asian gets. Any Asian person knows (especially Asian girls) is that you'll get treated like some endangered species, like you're so rare, like there's nothing out there like you. Most of all you'll get acknowledged more for your race instead of yourself. I know several guys (normally White) that develop crushes on several Asian girls. When one girl is done with them they'll go hop on the next train until that ride is over and then rinse, lather, and repeat. They don't so much actually like the girls per se, they just like them because they're Asian and have "cute" unique names. The most crass thing about that is when they complain about all their failed romances and wonder what's wrong with them? Ever stop and think there's something wrong with you? Maybe it's because all you're pursuing is Asian girls you don't have one damn thing in common with? If they were blind they'd know damn well they wouldn't be pursuing these girls one by one.
I've come across those guys in the past too. Often they'll walk up to me and wonder if I'm training to be some nurse. I then have to hold in my anger and politely say "NO" and just know that they've said the same shit to several other Asian girls before me. Please, nothing is like bringing up your fucking Asian ex and expecting her to be like me just because you barked up that tree multiple times. Somehow it gives them reason to think that "WOW! I FUCKED HER! I MUST NOW INSTANTLY KNOW EVERYTHING ELSE ABOUT ASIAN GIRLS BECAUSE ALL ASIAN GIRLS ARE CREATED THE SAME!" Now I do know most Asian stereotypes are to some extent true. Especially the "All girls want to be nurses" and "All guys want to be doctors." I know quite a few Asian guys I grew up with that went to school to be doctors. But pretty much EVERY FUCKING Asian girl I knew wants to be a nurse.
For me when I was growing up I was always the outcast. I don't know what the hell it was but for some reason I was always treated differently. For one thing, every time I went to Asian parties when I was a kid I looked different. Everyone had smaller eyes, smaller lips, and their skin was a bit darker than mine. Me? I was pale, had big eyes, thick lips, and in general just stood out. I may have had black eyes and black hair but I was pretty much the opposite of Aya Brea (as for her case she has Caucasian features but her face structure is Japanese.) I can't even explain how disliked I was by Asian kids. I'd even get alienated when we had parties in MY OWN FUCKING HOUSE. I'll never forget the time when all the cool Asian kids went to a room in my house and everyone was allowed to enter except me. I was stuck hanging out with the adults when I wasn't crying in my room wondering why I was so damn different.
In all schools there were of course those "aZn" groups. Girls with dyed light brown hair with blond streaks and guys that looked like fucking idiots wearing clothes made for Black males and had long bangs in the front also dyed light brown hair with blond streaks. I wanted nothing more than to be a part of them. But I still looked like an outcast when I stood next to them. I was always standing from the outside looking in. I was a lot like Zidane from Final Fantasy 9. (Or Cloud from FF7 in the sense he always wanted to be with Tifa but when she finally wanted to jump his nuts he didn't really care anymore.) I found groups of people who I liked to be with. But I wanted nothing more than to be with my own kind. When I finally got the chance to be with my own kind I realized how much it sucked.
Before I get to that part I'll just say that out of any other race in the world, I've been insulted by Asians the most. I recall a Korean woman mentioning to my mother: "OH. I SAW YOU WITH THAT WHITE GIRL" in a disgusted tone. That "White girl" she was talking about was me. (Though as we all know she's most likely a hypocrite. I know damn well she was married to a white guy.) Even when using my natural looks I'm still called Marilyn Manson by my own kind. And shit, there's been plenty of times that I've been treating wrong by my own kind. I recall when I was in middle school there was this one Asian guy who I wanted to be friends with so bad. When I was around him I felt like a ghost. He acted like I didn't exist at all and never looked my way, like there was nobody there. And that's the kind of treatment I often got from Asian people.
I finally got to hang out with a group of Asian people when I lived in Guam. What a waste of time that was. There I was playing my role as Meg Griffin. I was once again treated like trash because of my physical appearance. I don't think it has so much to do with me having some European ancestry. There's plenty of halfs that get treated like Asians. Even if their hair is light brown and they're born with lighter colored eyes. It probably had something to do with the aura I was presenting. Whatever it was, it was not Asian. And another thing I was nothing like the cutesy anime stereotype that most Asian girls are perceived to be. I'm not much of a smiler and as I've mentioned before that if you're female and don't know how to smile like you just got botox injected in your face the day before - you're pretty much the kid in school that had six fingers and buck teeth. Although it took a long time to learn I learned the hard way that I was wasting my time trying to fit in with a group of people just because we're the same race. Just like Zidane, I was fine where I was at. I didn't need to go through back breaking events just to be accepted by a group of people who could care less about me.
Not only that I found myself being a foreigner within Asian groups too. As mentioned before I didn't grow up doing anything Asian. I didn't grow up speaking some foreign language at home. Most people don't look beyond what their eyes can see but once I did I realized that no matter what I do I'll never pass the Asian test. I was brought up as an American. It's easy for people who aren't Asian to say "WELL YOU NEED TO HURRY UP AND LEARN ABOUT YOUR ROOTS! LEARN YOUR LANGUAGE!" But no matter how much you learn about a culture, even if it's one that's supposed to be yours ethnicity-wise - you'll never instantly learn how to remove the culture you grew up with and take up another one.
Take a bunch of black people from America and bring them to Africa for example. There is no way in hell any of them would be able to instantly adapt to their ways of life and come back saying "OH MAN I WENT TO AFRICA AND LEARNED ABOUT MY PEOPLE! IT'S JUST LIKE I SPENT MY WHOLE LIFE AND GREW UP THERE!" A lot of people don't understand that it's the same for me. Like I spent a great deal of my life learning about Japanese culture and the language. I'll never be Japanese. Just like how a white person who grew up in Japan but their original roots were in America will never be American. But yes, of course since Asians always have their rules due to being such a mysterious race I get a lot of people treating me like I was born mentally retarded, given drugs instead of milk as a kid, was dropped as a baby and other shit just because I don't know about my culture. I don't know about my language. I can't teach anyone any of my Asian customs. It's because I grew up speaking English. I grew up with American holidays. I've been to American schools my whole life.
So as far as me never outright mentioning my ethnicity? I don't see any point to. The main reason is because if I mention it I know I'll get email in bulk about people asking me about my country that I wasn't even born in. I'll get people asking me about customs and what other nonsense bullshit. Back then when I did used to mention my ethnicity I'd get fucking American men sending me e-mails like: "Hi I'm a 24 year old American guy! Life sure is awesome in America! How is life in your country?" or "I like a ____ girl. How do I get her to notice me?" Yeah I know, try asking another girl of the same ethnicity because you know we all think alike. Anyway, me not mentioning my ethnicity has nothing to do with being ashamed of who I am. If I were ashamed of who I was I'd be trying to act like I was born and raised in the country that my ancestors were born in. I'd be trying to act like I wasn't raised American. Actually there was a time that I was ashamed of who I am and how I grew up American. I used to actually walk around squinting my eyes so they'd be smaller and more Asian looking. I looked like an idiot instead. (Well it's interesting to note that I was once ridiculed for having large western eyes, now the same assholes that made fun of me are now getting eye surgery for double eyelids. Take that bitches! Though at the same time I still get told that I'm insecure by White guys when they don't know I've never been under the knife. =/) And I'm a fucking Asian woman. I can't mention my ethnicity without guys going crazy thinking that they're "this close" to finally pounding a insert race here woman.
Growing up I was pretty much always an outcast when it came to hanging around other Asian people for various reasons. The way I look, the way I was brought up, the way I talk, and no matter what I did I could never be part of the circle. (Believe me, there was even a time I tried typing l!K3 +H!$ to fit in) Even if I could (referring to my times in Japan) I wasn't one of them. Not with the way I was brought up. But somehow because I'm Asian and how we always have special rules - I don't think the average person can understand that.