2007.07.12
THE SOURCE OF MY PARANOIA
It all leads back to one male. Now growing up and even now, pretty much all my friends were/are male. I rarely had any female friends. What reason for that? I don't know. I generally say that I was brought up as a guy. But the following guy friend I will talk about was a different kind of guy. I actually developed romantic feelings for him.
Now this was back in 2nd or 3rd grade I suppose --- shit I can't remember. Anyway cut the details he was the son of my mother's friend and we were also the same age and had the same homeroom. I don't remember how, but we instantly clicked. We spent every damn day with each other. Whether it was us playing video games, playing outside at the park, being annoying fucktards and knick-knocking doors -- we were always together. Hell his mother even babysat me and I pretty much always had dinner at their house everyday.
What I liked about him was that he was genuine. He'd protect me. We could get into long talks about anything.
But then I noticed another side.This kid was a fucking pussy.
So what happened? Basically as usual, I was with the seemingly nice guy who was actually an asshole.
The definition of asshole.
Because yeah, he did protect me; from a man that'd never betray me. Now I recall then that there was another guy in the picture. Typical trailer trash kid. He was flirtatious and always upfront that he had interest in me. But any normal girl would've flocked over to the other guy instead, the guy I was with. There was even a time when they both got into a fight about me. Basically I had both guys pulling both my arms like tug of war. ...Glad that my arms are still intact. The trailer trash kid wanted me to come with him, the other guy who at the time I thought was my protector took me by the hand and ran to get me away from him. AWW you might say.
But there was so much more to this kid. He was a back-stabbing two faced piece of shit. Let me just list some incidents to make this shorter.
EATING BBQ CHICKEN
So as usual, monkey see -- monkey do. I saw that he was eating BBQ chicken in a savage like manner. I thought that was funny so I copied him. Now his father had some of his friends over. One kept commenting about how dirty and savage-like I was. Know shit, I intentionally did that on purpose, I was copying that guy and his sister. I was a kid, I didn't know any better. But somehow that guy only took his anger out on me. After repeatedly telling me how angry he was at how savage-like I was eating chicken, he picked me up from the dining table and grabbed me into the bathroom. I thought he was playing so I held on the door laughing as he was trying to pull me in. Because I thought surely that one guy would come to go wash his hands too, we were both doing the same thing anyway. Not only that, I thought he'd at least notice that I was just picked up from the dining table in a violent manner while eating. Damn, I didn't think he'd just notice, I thought other people would too!
No one came. I was locked in the bathroom with this bastard of a man. He forced me to wash my hands. At first he forcefully held me by my wrists to wash my hands in the sink. But he was so disgusted that he decided I should wash it in the toilet instead because THAT'S how dirty I was to him. I came back to the table with my wrists now red. Everything went back to normal. Now that friend of mine was still eating like a savage but no one got angry at him. Nor did he stand up for me. I was then pissed off for the whole day.
Worst of all when I tried telling others about the incident no one listened. I then went on thinking it was normal to treat people that way.
THAT ONE TIME I ALMOST...
I liked going to an empty high school there on the weekend. I liked to imagine that I was running from people. He was there with me that time and I decided to play around and practice running. Then this pack of guys with ages ranging from all grade school ages (5th and up) started chasing me. What the fuck? I was chased, thrown down, held down, and confused. But I saw that one guy run away in shock. I thought "oh he's going to get help isn't he?" So I stayed there and struggled waiting for my prince charming to come back.
Ten minutes later he never returned. I was angry. I thought to myself:
Relying on a man to get out of this predicament? That back stabbing two faced shit? Fuck this, I'll beat them up myself if he can't be a man and protect a woman!
At this point I was no longer angry that a group of boys tried to force themselves on me. I beat up every single one of them to a bloody pulp. Not because of what they tried doing to me, but to release the anger about how that one guy ran away and left me to fight my own battle.
I ran back to his house. I was scolded for being late for dinner. Seeing the look on his face and how he acted like nothing happened I couldn't even begin to bother telling the truth. So I acted like nothing happened and said I fell down while playing on the playground. Yeah...that's why my clothes were ripped. Yet again, another incident I couldn't tell anyone because they wouldn't listen. Typically people would've only felt sorry for me if I had let "that" happen. So of course no one would've cared if I said anything anyway because I beat them up. I'd get the whole "Two wrongs don't make a right!" speech.
THE BETRAYAL
After this incident I never looked at him the same way ever again. He was told to grab me so someone else could beat me up. He instantly did as he was told. I'll always remember those scared eyes, how he instantly turned into a pussy, but most of all I'll remember that line for the rest of my life.
Him: I'm not on anyone's side.
That scared look on his face not wanting to get beat up. Oh, he wouldn't let himself get beat up so he let a female get beat up in his place instead. That fucker.
PARANOIA
That fucking fag piece shit of pussy. No, I could assemble every profanity in the world and make a long incoherent sentence and that'd never describe how much of a dick this guy was. Years later I find out that this guy is actually straight. Because you see, I'd be willing to forgive him if he were actually gay. It would've pieced everything together. Him wanting to do what men told him because he liked the guys? That discussion about how he wanted to be a girl to change his last name? No, this fucker grew up to be a typical straight Asian breakdancing ricer.
Now of course there are several other factors that led to my paranoia, but this was the main one that triggered it. And as for that trailer trash kid? He was genuine. A little perverted, but still genuine. He never betrayed me and was there when I needed him. Yet I treated him like crap for that other guy instead? UGH. But it was only reasonable. I spent so much time with that guy -- it was only natural for me to think we were at least friends.
This just goes on to show the fucked up story of my life. The seemingly "bad boys/assholes" are always much more genuine than the "nice guys" I always choose. If I would've chosen that other guy he would've never backed out on me once. But I chose the pussy of a nice guy, a guy too nice to think about how to do shit on his own, stand up for a woman, and most of all think for himself.
I grew up being paranoid and even if I try not to - in the back of my mind I'm always saying to myself never to open up too much. Never say too much. Because in the end this person is going to fucking backstab you when it's most convenient for them and worst for you.